At least I'm on fuckin' vacations.. Now I have that time to connect wt my feelings, time that I never have in the rest of the year couse I'm too busy working, studying, etc.
That implies now I have time to see how empty is my life... Like it always was. At home I just feel loneliness.. I can't stay anymore
jueves, 31 de diciembre de 2015
domingo, 26 de julio de 2015
Just me, today. july 2015
what to say? I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm worry. I'm tired. I'm feeling a little bite for everything in my life. I'm watching around me and all I see is everything I never ever wanted to be. I'm worry for me, for my future, cause I'm being a person that doesn't make me happy. And.. I don't even believe I'm a person.. I'm a machine. I evade feelings all the time, but at moments like this one, feelings coerce me to feel, cause I'm weak.
I just know I'm not okay today. But... Why? Because, I'm sick of my life and I am a fool and a stupid one that cannot flee away from her home.. This place called"home" is the reason of all my sickness. I'm dying for nothing, cause I'm not living for something. I just live.. But I need a change.
I am feeling right now. And I feel like a stupid silly girl who does not deserve anything.
My father is my illness. He is always telling me how idiot I am. And.. Then he tells me, he never wanted to tell me that, that I make him say things he didn't want to. So.. I'm feeling every time more and more as a hit woman. I am afraid, I know he doesn't see it, but, I'm always trying to do everything he tells me because I am afraid of those words he can shot to me. His words always kick me, hurt me, cause make me realize how wrong I do the things, instead my dad is not telling me to feel like this, but I feel like this, cause his words make me see my mistakes and make me hate me. At that point, I don't know if I am afraid of my dad or i am afraid of me. Cause he hurts me, but I hurt me too. I know how to make me feel bad, how to castigate me. I know it really well.
So.. In few words: I hate me and everything that surrounds me. I'm tired.
just wanna sleep. And forget. Sleep is like a little death in life. It's an escape.
I just know I'm not okay today. But... Why? Because, I'm sick of my life and I am a fool and a stupid one that cannot flee away from her home.. This place called"home" is the reason of all my sickness. I'm dying for nothing, cause I'm not living for something. I just live.. But I need a change.
I am feeling right now. And I feel like a stupid silly girl who does not deserve anything.
My father is my illness. He is always telling me how idiot I am. And.. Then he tells me, he never wanted to tell me that, that I make him say things he didn't want to. So.. I'm feeling every time more and more as a hit woman. I am afraid, I know he doesn't see it, but, I'm always trying to do everything he tells me because I am afraid of those words he can shot to me. His words always kick me, hurt me, cause make me realize how wrong I do the things, instead my dad is not telling me to feel like this, but I feel like this, cause his words make me see my mistakes and make me hate me. At that point, I don't know if I am afraid of my dad or i am afraid of me. Cause he hurts me, but I hurt me too. I know how to make me feel bad, how to castigate me. I know it really well.
So.. In few words: I hate me and everything that surrounds me. I'm tired.
just wanna sleep. And forget. Sleep is like a little death in life. It's an escape.
martes, 18 de noviembre de 2014
One: Searching mothers everyway
I don't know how to start because i'm not sure where is the begining, i think, when i was starting thinking and having thoughts.
I've been hating me, my life myself and everything related to me when i was 12. At that age when you start realizing your parents are not perfect, at that age when you start forming your own opinions of little things in life. I just don't know why, but when i was 12, i wished to have a mother more "cool", who undertands me, who can give me her opinion by herself and not through my dad. But she couldn't do that. She's deaf in one ear since she was born, just a little years ago she could have her headset at least and hear a little better with the healty ear. Before that time, speak with her was so difficult couse she didn't hear me, or she understand the things in a bad way or, finally, she didn't understand anything of what i was talking about.
I was at primary school when, for the first time, i get in love with a woman without know it. I was at 4th grade. Well, i don't know if call it "fall in love" is right, but, yes, i couldn't stop thinking in that woman, and i was obsessed with her. She's a journalist of a popular tv news program in Rosario, my place. I never liked the news and the reality before i watched her for the firs time on tv. It all started when i was 10 years old and i was at one of my school mate's home launching. At her home, her mom watched the program and she told me to tell my mom to start watching it because they raffled everyday a purchase order to buy in a popular suopermarket here. So, i did, i told my mom to enter on the contest and to watch the program called "de 12 a 14" ("from 12 to 14").
Everyday i came at 12.30hs from school to home and turn on the tv to watch it. Little by little i start liking more and more Analía Bocassi (that journalist). i watched her everyday and she made me happy. She was young, pretty, tall, skinny, blond sexy woman. She was inteligent and she could opine everything she wanted and in a smart way cause she was journalist. I knew my mom would never talk in that smart way, cause, she couldn't, cause she was deaf and she even never ends high school because she didn't hear at the classes so, she left school. Now i think on it, and... it's sad what happened to my mother. But at that age, i was needing a mother smarter than her, more independent than her.
All the time i was wishing a better mother, i'm not telling she's not, she's a very good mother, a very good person with huge feelings and she's always with me now. But before, she was quite different and, before, i wanted a mother quite different.
Education was always very important to me. I was the "most inteligent" at my course and i loved when the teachers congratulated me for my high notes. i was an exelent student and i graduated with honours at high school. By the way, the only thing in what i always feel secure of myself was studying.
Studying, learning, reading was so important to me since i was a little girl that i wished my mother could share with me that passion for new information in my brain that i had. There was the problem. She didn't and she doesn't like reading or writing or learning new things, although my parents always told me education is the only arm to change lifes and that lets you reach everything you want: "knowledge never takes place"
My mother was very important to me and, when i realize she didn't understand me, i tried to replace her with my father for understanting, for different views, for more knowing. So... i start talking more with my dad about everything, and, since Analía became so important to me, i was very happy that my dad watched the news with me. I was always speaking about her and everyone at home knew that.
From 2004 to 2007, Analía was my only thought. i wanted to be like her, with her, i dreamed with her. Since i was 12 years old, i wanted to be juornalist too. She almost defined my career. But then, i decided to study an engineering.
I had a needing for show myself so bad during my adolescence that start in front of a camera like Analía was so important to me. Maybe because i started to feel invicible to the eyes around me.
One day i didn't go to school cause i had to go to doctor's. When i was coming home with my mom, we were walking in our neighborhood and i was hating everyone i saw, wishing never become like then, so average, so comun, i needed to be famous like Analía, i needed to be smarted and i was needing to stay at school learning more and more, faster and faster everything to make my dream comes true. I wanted to stay at college at 12 so i told my dad if i could perform all the exams for the next and the next year now to progress and end as soon as possible the school. Of course he didn´t agree, but i promissed myself i would be like Lisa Simpson, i would know everything and go to college so young that everybody will know me as the smartest girl in Argentina. Since i promissed myself to be like Lisa Simpson, i study a lot, lost friends and care of my mates at school cause i just was so boring and "nerd" that they hated me. Then, I started only existing for the test when nobody knos the answers and they wanted me to give them. I start loosing friends, but i didn't care. Study would be the only thing wich saves me for my average life, not friends.
One of my school mates, was singer and gitar player, she was smarter than me sometimes, she was more popular than me and i start hating her when everyone told she was the most inteligent at our course. Since i was like Lisa Simpson, i never had to worry about that anymore, cause i was starting knowing a lot more than her, that everyone told i was the most inteligent and i was proud of that. I won a battle. I was being recognize superior and the best for something in my life. But.. i still envied her. She was 11, and she made live shows on TV!! And.. me? The only thing i wanted was to stay in front of a camera, i didn't care i was 12, a lot of little girls appears on TV, why i couldn't do that too? i was for sure smarter than a lot of people on TV, and i wasn't on TV, but my school mate did! I couldn't face that.
One day i start insisting my father to bring me to TV. I insist a lot until i get tired, and he always answered me the same "your a little girl, none will be interested on you".
Maybe he was right, maybe he was not.
I think my father is a coward, and that fear he feels in front of something new, in front of new experiences in life turns into anger when someone disputes it. That was me, i was always wanted to do things that make me feel important, that make me famous, that make me the best, but, i was a child, so i needed his permission more than my mom's because, my mom didn't understand me, but, i had hope for my dad to did it. But with him, i always found a lot of broken dreams, a lot of "none will be interested on you". Maybe yes, my dreams were so big, but i needed my parents to make me get them, or maybe to start feeling i was doing something that made me feel more confortable with what i wanted for me. Maybe not to have a TV program with 12 years old, but, make castings, or go as spectator. Something different. But, i know i was stupid, but i did not need a lot of those phrases at that age. Why my school mate was in a tv show and not me?! That was what i was always asking me.
I was stupid, my sister was more social with people, inteligent, happy than me, thiner than me. And i was a fool who cryed when at school no one invited me to their birth day parties.
I've been hating me, my life myself and everything related to me when i was 12. At that age when you start realizing your parents are not perfect, at that age when you start forming your own opinions of little things in life. I just don't know why, but when i was 12, i wished to have a mother more "cool", who undertands me, who can give me her opinion by herself and not through my dad. But she couldn't do that. She's deaf in one ear since she was born, just a little years ago she could have her headset at least and hear a little better with the healty ear. Before that time, speak with her was so difficult couse she didn't hear me, or she understand the things in a bad way or, finally, she didn't understand anything of what i was talking about.
I was at primary school when, for the first time, i get in love with a woman without know it. I was at 4th grade. Well, i don't know if call it "fall in love" is right, but, yes, i couldn't stop thinking in that woman, and i was obsessed with her. She's a journalist of a popular tv news program in Rosario, my place. I never liked the news and the reality before i watched her for the firs time on tv. It all started when i was 10 years old and i was at one of my school mate's home launching. At her home, her mom watched the program and she told me to tell my mom to start watching it because they raffled everyday a purchase order to buy in a popular suopermarket here. So, i did, i told my mom to enter on the contest and to watch the program called "de 12 a 14" ("from 12 to 14").
Everyday i came at 12.30hs from school to home and turn on the tv to watch it. Little by little i start liking more and more Analía Bocassi (that journalist). i watched her everyday and she made me happy. She was young, pretty, tall, skinny, blond sexy woman. She was inteligent and she could opine everything she wanted and in a smart way cause she was journalist. I knew my mom would never talk in that smart way, cause, she couldn't, cause she was deaf and she even never ends high school because she didn't hear at the classes so, she left school. Now i think on it, and... it's sad what happened to my mother. But at that age, i was needing a mother smarter than her, more independent than her.
All the time i was wishing a better mother, i'm not telling she's not, she's a very good mother, a very good person with huge feelings and she's always with me now. But before, she was quite different and, before, i wanted a mother quite different.
Education was always very important to me. I was the "most inteligent" at my course and i loved when the teachers congratulated me for my high notes. i was an exelent student and i graduated with honours at high school. By the way, the only thing in what i always feel secure of myself was studying.
Studying, learning, reading was so important to me since i was a little girl that i wished my mother could share with me that passion for new information in my brain that i had. There was the problem. She didn't and she doesn't like reading or writing or learning new things, although my parents always told me education is the only arm to change lifes and that lets you reach everything you want: "knowledge never takes place"
My mother was very important to me and, when i realize she didn't understand me, i tried to replace her with my father for understanting, for different views, for more knowing. So... i start talking more with my dad about everything, and, since Analía became so important to me, i was very happy that my dad watched the news with me. I was always speaking about her and everyone at home knew that.
From 2004 to 2007, Analía was my only thought. i wanted to be like her, with her, i dreamed with her. Since i was 12 years old, i wanted to be juornalist too. She almost defined my career. But then, i decided to study an engineering.
I had a needing for show myself so bad during my adolescence that start in front of a camera like Analía was so important to me. Maybe because i started to feel invicible to the eyes around me.
One day i didn't go to school cause i had to go to doctor's. When i was coming home with my mom, we were walking in our neighborhood and i was hating everyone i saw, wishing never become like then, so average, so comun, i needed to be famous like Analía, i needed to be smarted and i was needing to stay at school learning more and more, faster and faster everything to make my dream comes true. I wanted to stay at college at 12 so i told my dad if i could perform all the exams for the next and the next year now to progress and end as soon as possible the school. Of course he didn´t agree, but i promissed myself i would be like Lisa Simpson, i would know everything and go to college so young that everybody will know me as the smartest girl in Argentina. Since i promissed myself to be like Lisa Simpson, i study a lot, lost friends and care of my mates at school cause i just was so boring and "nerd" that they hated me. Then, I started only existing for the test when nobody knos the answers and they wanted me to give them. I start loosing friends, but i didn't care. Study would be the only thing wich saves me for my average life, not friends.
One of my school mates, was singer and gitar player, she was smarter than me sometimes, she was more popular than me and i start hating her when everyone told she was the most inteligent at our course. Since i was like Lisa Simpson, i never had to worry about that anymore, cause i was starting knowing a lot more than her, that everyone told i was the most inteligent and i was proud of that. I won a battle. I was being recognize superior and the best for something in my life. But.. i still envied her. She was 11, and she made live shows on TV!! And.. me? The only thing i wanted was to stay in front of a camera, i didn't care i was 12, a lot of little girls appears on TV, why i couldn't do that too? i was for sure smarter than a lot of people on TV, and i wasn't on TV, but my school mate did! I couldn't face that.
One day i start insisting my father to bring me to TV. I insist a lot until i get tired, and he always answered me the same "your a little girl, none will be interested on you".
Maybe he was right, maybe he was not.
I think my father is a coward, and that fear he feels in front of something new, in front of new experiences in life turns into anger when someone disputes it. That was me, i was always wanted to do things that make me feel important, that make me famous, that make me the best, but, i was a child, so i needed his permission more than my mom's because, my mom didn't understand me, but, i had hope for my dad to did it. But with him, i always found a lot of broken dreams, a lot of "none will be interested on you". Maybe yes, my dreams were so big, but i needed my parents to make me get them, or maybe to start feeling i was doing something that made me feel more confortable with what i wanted for me. Maybe not to have a TV program with 12 years old, but, make castings, or go as spectator. Something different. But, i know i was stupid, but i did not need a lot of those phrases at that age. Why my school mate was in a tv show and not me?! That was what i was always asking me.
I was stupid, my sister was more social with people, inteligent, happy than me, thiner than me. And i was a fool who cryed when at school no one invited me to their birth day parties.
lunes, 17 de noviembre de 2014
Let's Start
I'm still not sure, but if someone maybe read it, i want to share all my memories about how i get in and out of the obsessed life counting calories, of loneliness, of coming out the closet, of being a dougther my parents never expected... THE HORRIBLE Of being ME.
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| "Life is the art of drawing without erasing" |
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