At least I'm on fuckin' vacations.. Now I have that time to connect wt my feelings, time that I never have in the rest of the year couse I'm too busy working, studying, etc.
That implies now I have time to see how empty is my life... Like it always was. At home I just feel loneliness.. I can't stay anymore
jueves, 31 de diciembre de 2015
domingo, 26 de julio de 2015
Just me, today. july 2015
what to say? I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm worry. I'm tired. I'm feeling a little bite for everything in my life. I'm watching around me and all I see is everything I never ever wanted to be. I'm worry for me, for my future, cause I'm being a person that doesn't make me happy. And.. I don't even believe I'm a person.. I'm a machine. I evade feelings all the time, but at moments like this one, feelings coerce me to feel, cause I'm weak.
I just know I'm not okay today. But... Why? Because, I'm sick of my life and I am a fool and a stupid one that cannot flee away from her home.. This place called"home" is the reason of all my sickness. I'm dying for nothing, cause I'm not living for something. I just live.. But I need a change.
I am feeling right now. And I feel like a stupid silly girl who does not deserve anything.
My father is my illness. He is always telling me how idiot I am. And.. Then he tells me, he never wanted to tell me that, that I make him say things he didn't want to. So.. I'm feeling every time more and more as a hit woman. I am afraid, I know he doesn't see it, but, I'm always trying to do everything he tells me because I am afraid of those words he can shot to me. His words always kick me, hurt me, cause make me realize how wrong I do the things, instead my dad is not telling me to feel like this, but I feel like this, cause his words make me see my mistakes and make me hate me. At that point, I don't know if I am afraid of my dad or i am afraid of me. Cause he hurts me, but I hurt me too. I know how to make me feel bad, how to castigate me. I know it really well.
So.. In few words: I hate me and everything that surrounds me. I'm tired.
just wanna sleep. And forget. Sleep is like a little death in life. It's an escape.
I just know I'm not okay today. But... Why? Because, I'm sick of my life and I am a fool and a stupid one that cannot flee away from her home.. This place called"home" is the reason of all my sickness. I'm dying for nothing, cause I'm not living for something. I just live.. But I need a change.
I am feeling right now. And I feel like a stupid silly girl who does not deserve anything.
My father is my illness. He is always telling me how idiot I am. And.. Then he tells me, he never wanted to tell me that, that I make him say things he didn't want to. So.. I'm feeling every time more and more as a hit woman. I am afraid, I know he doesn't see it, but, I'm always trying to do everything he tells me because I am afraid of those words he can shot to me. His words always kick me, hurt me, cause make me realize how wrong I do the things, instead my dad is not telling me to feel like this, but I feel like this, cause his words make me see my mistakes and make me hate me. At that point, I don't know if I am afraid of my dad or i am afraid of me. Cause he hurts me, but I hurt me too. I know how to make me feel bad, how to castigate me. I know it really well.
So.. In few words: I hate me and everything that surrounds me. I'm tired.
just wanna sleep. And forget. Sleep is like a little death in life. It's an escape.
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